50 Ways to Avoid Power Struggles With Children – Positive Time-Out by Dr. Jane Nelsen

http://www.PositiveDiscipline.com – Jane Nelsen talks about her book Positive Time-Out and how parents and teachers can avoid …

50 Ways to Avoid Power Struggles With Children – Positive Time-Out by Dr. Jane Nelsen/a>

[Music] positive timeout and over 50 ways to avoid power struggles in homes and classrooms is the one book that I wrote in two weeks because I was upset my son was doing a news story on people who were using the timeout box where little children would have to sit in this box depending on their age and the story they quoted me as advocating timeout well I do Advocate timeout for older children and a very different kind of timeout it’s a positive timeout that children help create as a self- soothing place for them it’s not someplace where they’re supposed to go think about what they did and suffer it’s a place that they design that might have cushions and teddy bears and books and things that will help them feel better help them access their rational brain again very different than the punitive timeout so I quickly wrote the positive timeout book that includes so much more than just timeout in fact I would like to read a portion from this book that I often read in my lectures and ex called exploring the logical consequences of choices 8-year-old Jake didn’t do his homework his father confiscated his bicycle and told him he was grounded punitive time out until he got it done dad thought this was a logical consequence for not doing homework Jake was so angry that he sat in his room and thought about how he would refuse to do his homework or do just enough to get by to get even with his father he certainly wouldn’t do his best 16-year-old Emma didn’t do her homework so her father asked Emma for an appointment to talk with her and asked which would work best for you 6:30 or 7 this evening giving Emma a choice allows her some power which usually invites cooperation instead of defensiveness waiting even a short time before a discussion allows both adults and children some time out for calmness instead of the kind of attack and defensiveness that often happens when a discussion occurs out of anger Emma thought she knew what was coming and chose 6:30 to get it over with at 6:30 Emma was surprised when her father started by asking I wonder if you love yourself as much as I love you Emma laughed and said what are you talking about Dad Dad said well I just wanted to let you know how much I love you because of that I have your best interests at heart I just wondered if you love yourself as much and if you think about your best interests Emma was very suspicious is this your way of conning me into doing my homework dad replied why would I try to con you into doing your homework if you don’t think that is good for you we both know I can’t make you do anything you don’t want to do however I am willing to help you explore what is good for you and I’m willing to help you create a plan that works for you to accomplish what is best for you Emma said okay Dad I’ll do my homework when Dad invited Emma to discuss the problem instead of using lectures and Punishment which she would resist resent and rebel against Emma quickly figured out that doing her homework would be in her best interest however this was not enough to satisfy dad who replied honey it doesn’t work for me to have to remind you all the time that seems to create a conflict between us I don’t want to spend our time that way you would agree to do your homework if you didn’t know that it is in your best interest how about taking a step further you might find it helpful to create a regular routine that includes the best time for you to do your homework one that would work for you and would take me out of the loop you could show me what you come up with tomorrow night I have faith in you to know what kind of plan would work best for you Emma agreed the next night she showed her dad her plan shown on the following page dad said looks like a good plan now this routine can be the boss instead of me I think you will find this kind of organization very useful throughout your life what Emma had put on her routine chart was 3:30 to 4: chill out 4: to 4:30 phone Kim 4:30 to 5:30 homework 5:30 to 6 help with dinner 600 to 6:30 dinner and 7 to 8 TV many parents don’t believe their children would be as Cooperative as Emma was if these parents have established a pattern of power struggles instead of guiding their children to use their power in useful ways they are right the children probably won’t cooperate what parents usually mean by cooperate is do what I tell you to do and do it now this definition does not invite cooperation it invites Rebellion Emma was used to having her parents turn the responsibility of her actions over to her they had spent many hours in regular family meetings brainstorming for Solutions to problems Emma had been involved in creating routines bedtime morning meal time since she was 2 years old although Emma’s parents established this process early in life it is never too late to start it is however helpful to know why there might be some resistance even if you start late so I think that I like to read that because it shows that positive timeout is about much more than the traditional goto your timeout even if it’s a positive timeout it really involves times to to calm down and that might be creating a routine chart it might be putting a problem on the agenda whether it’s in homes or classrooms so that children do have that time to calm down because when they feel better they do better [Music]